Thursday, December 05, 2013

Psalm 5  Amanda's paraphrase

"Papa God, Please pay attention!
Can you make sense of these ramblings,
my groans and cries?
Papa god, I need your help
Every morning you'll hear me at it again
Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and wait"


And that cry was originally from David, a  man after God's own heart.  If he struggled daily, who am I to assume I can or should do better.  I get so frustrated with myself as I try and fail, try and fail, hurt those around me as I try to get healing myself...

This messy process seems to much for a black and white, perfectionist....

Monday, November 25, 2013

Stand in the Rain

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain'
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
and one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering, "if she stands she'll fall down"
She wants to be found
the only way out is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down

so stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through he pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
                                                                                    Superchick

Oh God, how I wish I had the strength to do this but I just don't right now.  You are going to have to hold me up in the rain, because I have fallen and I am drowning.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

THE PORCUPINE WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A PUPPY

There once was a porcupine who thought he was a puppy.  All through his growing up years his family and friends told him how cute and cuddly he was. How his beautiful red fur was soft and fluffy.  When he looked in a mirror (which was hardly ever) he saw his own bright brown eyes, button nose, and cuddly round shape.  "yup, I'm pretty darn cute and cuddly", he told himself and went on his way.

Once in a while there would be someone who came in to his life that would make him uncomfortable.  They would flinch when he got near, they would tell him that he hurt them.  This made him sad and he felt they were being really unfair because all he was doing was snuggling up with them, cuddling them close and showing how much he loved them.  Some of them would be bleeding and he would be quite concerned for them and want them to get that fixed so they could be close again.  Usually these people were too self centered to stick around long, they whined and complained; sometimes they got mad for no reason and then they would just go away.

Our poor porcupine didn't understand why there were people like that in the world and his friends and family encouraged him that he was better off without them, that one day the "right one" would come along.

Finally the day came, our porcupine found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, they had fun together, they made plans for the future. Almost all of the time things were happy and good but once in a while things would not be so good. There would be a lot of blood, and the porcupine would be blamed." How could it be me?" he thought " I am the same as I always was."  The love of his life tried to put on extra layers, and bandage the holes but the layers were torn by his sharp needles and the punctures ripped open as he carelessly showed his affection.  This made the porcupine uncomfortable and unhappy. what was wrong with his love?  Why was she so poorly constructed that she kept getting injured.  His love was sad too, she had tried to tell him that it was his quills that were hurting her, she knew a trick that would make them lie flat and then it would be safe to be close and cuddle.  "QUIILLS! I DON'T HAVE QUILLS, ARE YOU CRAZY?" he shouted at her, frustrated beyond belief.  "I am a soft, furry puppy, ask anyone who knows me!"

Finally the porcupine found himself alone. His love had left to "heal"  but I will be back she promised, I will learn how to keep myself safe but it will work so much better if you would learn how to protect me too.  Because he really did love her, and wasn't a mean porcupine/puppy he agreed to talk to the wise owl.  The wise owl sat with him night after night talking about all sorts of things. They talked about his family....he remembered vaguely once seeing a  large spiny shadow when his dad walked by and his mom was definitely more of a wire haired breed than a soft retriever but he didn't think there were any porcupines in the family tree; surely not." Let's look at just the facts" said the wise old owl.  "When you jump on her lap, rub against her or hold her close she says it hurts and sometimes there is blood?"  he asked.  "yes, but that's not from me, someone else must have hurt her or maybe she's imagining it" answered porcupine.

"I have met your love and I can assure you she is not imagining her hurt, and while she has some scars from before she met you, these wounds are fresh" said the owl gently but firmly. "you love her,and you only want what is best for her, but the facts remain"   here our wise owl gently puts his arm around the porcupine and looks sadly into his face. "you are hurting her"

"The good news is, you can make some adjustments, it will take time and you will have to practise lots and I will help you. Together we can learn how to keep those quills lying flat to keep  your love safe from harm.  She will come back and will have learned how to avoid injury when you forget to protect her but together you will help each other.  You are a porcupine, that is one of the things she loves about you but you are not a puppy and you need to remember that your quills can protect but they can also hurt." 

The porcupine stopped by the reflecting pond on the way home and took a good long look. He did have sparkly brown eyes, a cute button nose and he was round and cuddly shaped but then he saw something more, the moonlight sparkled on a thousand spiky tips; not soft fur like he'd always imagined. long, hard, razor sharp; they covered his body.  His heart broke as he imagined those piercing the soft skin of his love. He pictured her face loving him, but also grimacing in pain.  "I will learn!" he vowed to himself. "With help and hard work, I can learn how to keep her safe and then we can be together"

Friday, September 21, 2012

Our family

Well, at the beginning of this blogging journey it was just me and the kids, along the way we have lived with different family members, added (and lost) a variety of pets moved 5 times and attended 2 different schools (4 for Jon) Through it all I continued to see God at work in our little family. I have set and met goals. My heavenly father really does know my hearts desires and continues to bless beyond what I would dare to ask or even imagine..

I will soon be changing the title of this blog to include our newest family members and if you want, you can continue to follow along and see what God has in store for us!

I was challenged a few years ago by a counsellor and again at a women's retreat to open my heart and "risk"in relationships..my relationship with my Papa God, with my family (especially my kids) and eventually to even risk my heart in a romantic relationship...I told the counsellor at that time that I didn't believe in the word "NEED" I didn't need anyone and didn't think I should need anyone...he disagreed (of course)

So here we are,not all together anymore,but still a family...from the wisdom of Lilo and Stitch..."its small and broken but still good"  Oh life with all its changes has not been easy! Needing others and allowing myself to be open to change and the hurt that so often comes with it is scary,painful and wonderful in a horribly unsettling way.  But on we go, where we haven't dared to go before...new horizons, new adventures, new mistakes (too bad we couldn't avoid those!)and new triumphs. 

Thank you Papa
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Risk = Pain

My heart is heavy within me Oh God.

I followed your instructions

I saw your hand leading me

I enjoyed your blessing


Now it all seems a sham

a cruel joke

a waste


My heart is heavy

My soul is dry

my tears fall freely

the pain is like a gaping wound

a deep bruise that refuses to heal


I see your grace

I know your mercy

my heart clings desperately to you

you are here

you hold me close

you love me


help me to let go

to forgive and find healing

cleanse my mind

unlock my wounded heart

help me live and love again

Soul Poison

Why is it that "Fred" still has the power to drain the life out of me, make me question myself,my decisions and instincts?  Why do my trips home from Calgary usually end up in a downward spiral of doubt,worries and tears?  It doesn't seem to matter what I listen to, I've tried everything from talk radio,worship music,the Canadian Tenors....and so much more but inevetably I end up sobbing my heart out to the stars.

Speaking of stars, God sent a gorgeous one shooting down in front of me tonight. Took my breath away and ripped a broken sob from way down deep in my soul.  A flash of light and I knew no matter what, my Papa loved me and thought I was great.

I don't think the tears are so much about me these days, although there is always a little residual pain relating to loss and what ifs. Its more for my kids...they deserve more. Tears for what they are missing, for the damage that has been done and will be done. For the pain they will feel when they realize how often they've been lied to. The loss of the parent they "should" have had.  Lord don't let me add to that pain!! Keep my mouth shut,my heart open,my arms ready to hug but also let go. Most importantly,draw them to you, your honesty,unconditional love and wild grace. You are so fond of my(your) kids. Let them know that.

Adele.."Turning Tables"
No matter what I said, you always said more
All those things you said, they were never true,never true
all those games you played, you would always win,always win

Sunday, October 18, 2009

more football

I tried some different things with these photos just to see how they turn out. This was thanksgiving weekend.

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